written by Kenny Ascher and Paul Williams
(Kermit & Fozzie find themselves at an abandonned church, converted into a
stage for one of the greatest rock groups of all time, Dr.Teeth and the
Electric Mayhem)
(Kermit and Fozzie peek into the church, nervously)
Fozzie: They don't look like Presbyterians to me.
(Fozzie and Kermit walk down the aisle until Dr. Teeth looks up to see them, bringing the music to a halt)
Dr. Teeth: Hey! Cool it everybody! Whoa! Our gentle mornin' melodies have attracted wanderin' admirers.
Kermit: Hey, who are you guys?
Floyd: We am, is, are and be they whom as are known as the Electric Mayhem!
(The Electric Mayhem laughs their agreement)
Janice: For shurely!
Floyd: He's Dr. Teeth!
Dr. Teeth: Golden teeth and golden tones. Welcome to my presence! (laughs)
Fozzie: Thank you.
Kermit: Fozzie...
Floyd: I'm Floyd, I blow bass.
Zoot: And I'm... uh... um...
Floyd: Zoot. Sax is your axe. Uh-oh, Zoot skipped a groove again!
Janice: Oh, wow, like I'm Janice on lead guitar, for shurely.
Animal: RARRRGHHHH!
Floyd: Oh yeah, that's Animal! Show them what you do, Animal!
Animal: I want to--eat drums! Rarrgh! Rarrgh! (does so)
Dr.Teeth: No! Beat drums, beat drums!
(Animal stops attempting to eat his cymbal)
Animal: Beat drums! Beat drums! (does so)
Floyd: Down Animal!
Animal: Down!
Floyd: Back!
Animal: Back!
Floyd: Sit!
Animal: Sit!
Scooter: Hey, don't forget about me. (everyone looks toward the balcony) I'm Scooter, the road manager!
Floyd: Oh, yeah, the road manager, we couldn't go anywhere without him.
Fozzie: He's the man with the contacts?
Dr. Teeth: No, he's the man with the van!
Scooter: Yeah, we're taking this old church and turnin' it into a coffee house.
Janice: Yeah, with real good music and organic refreshments.
Dr. Teeth: Boy, it'll be so fine and laid-back and mellow and profitable.
(Everyone agrees)
Floyd: Yeah, but what brings you dudes here?
Fozzie: (interupting Kermit) Oh, oh, oh, listen, see, Kermit here, he was living in the swamp...
Kermit: Fozzie...!
Fozzie:Then a fisherman came along...
Kermit: Fozzie, you can't tell them the whole story. You'll bore the audience.
(Fozzie turns to the audience)
Fozzie: Oh. Sorry. But, Kermit, the band here wants to know.
Kermit: Well, let 'em read the screenplay.
Fozzie: Ahh! Yes sir! (picks up a copy of the screenplay) See, it starts here on page one. (gives it to Dr. Teeth)
Dr. Teeth: The Muppet Movie, huh? Huh, let's see, "Exterior. Swamp. Day. In a long helicopter shot we discover Kermit the Frog playin' his banjo and singin'. A Hollywood agent starts the frog traveling west. (time passes) "Doc Hopper comes on strong and they get to this church. Interior. Church. Day. Fozzie. 'They don't look like Presbyterians to me.' Kermit and Fozzie come walkin' down the aisle to the thunderously loud music of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem." Which am us!
All: Yeah! Yeah!
Dr. Teeth: This is a narrative of very heavy-duty proportions.
Floyd: Cosmic, man! We gotta keep this little froggy away from this Hopper dude.
Dr. Teeth: Too true. Too true. It is indeed a problem for us to "probosculate" upon. But it seems to me the frog and the bear are tempoararily out of service.
(Kermit and Fozzie are sleeping)
Janice: Oh, wow, like, what can we do to help them?
Floyd: Well, if this were the movies...
Dr. Teeth: Which it is.
Floyd: ...we'd think of a clever plot device.
Scooter: Like disguising their car so they won't be recognized!
Dr. Teeth: RIGHT! TWO THREE FOUR!
Dr. Teeth:
Ohhh yeah! Whooo!
Everybody's lover, everybody's brother, I wanna be your lifetime friend.
Crazy as a rocket, nothin in my pocket, I keep it at the rainbow's end.
I never think of money, I think of milk 'n honey, grinnin like a cheshire cat.
I focus on the pleasure, somethin' I can treasure, can you picture
that?
Can you picture that?
Dr. Teeth: (spoken) Hey, Floyd, take a verse!
Floyd Pepper:
Let me take your picture, add it to the mixture, there it is I got you now!
Really nothin' to it, anyone can do it, it's easy and we all know how.
Now begins the changin', mental rearrangin', nothing's really where it's at,
Dr. Teeth:
Now the Eiffel Tower's holdin up a flower.
I gave it to a Texas cat!
[Musical bridge]
Floyd:
Fact is there's nothin out there you can't do
Yeah, even Santa Claus believes in you.
Dr. Teeth:
Beat down the walls, begin, believe, behold, begat.
Floyd:
Be a better drummer, be an up and comer. Can you picture that?
Animal:
CAN YOU PICTURE THAT??!!
Floyd:
All of us are winnin, pickin and a-grinnin, Lordy but I love to jam
Janice
Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!
Dr. Teeth:
Lost my heart in Texas, Northern lights affect us, I keep it underneath my hat,
Aurora Borealis, shinin down on Dallas! Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?
(Chorus)
Can you picture? You gotta see it in your mind!
Can you picture? You know it's quick and easy to find!
Can you picture? You don't have to buy a frame!
Can you picture? Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?
Dr. Teeth:
Use it if you need it
Floyd:
Don't forget to feed it!
All:
Can you picture that?
(On the soundtrack -- not in the movie...)
Janice: (spoken): Oh wow, can you get behind it? Fer shurely...
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