A Fish Called Wanda
written by John Cleese & Charles Crichton
Otto: You said you loved him!
Wanda: That's right. Now let me give you a multiple choice question - A. Wanda was lying. B. Wanda was telling the truth. Which one you gonna pick?
Otto: You told me you were not planning to see him!
Wanda: Because I knew you would come along and fuck it up. I'm setting up a guy who could be incredibly important to us - who's gonna tell me where the diamonds are and whether they're going to come and arrest you and you come loping in like Rambo without a jock strap and dangle him out a fifth floor window. Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was that good tactics? Or was it stupid?
Otto: Don't call me stupid.
Wanda: Oh, right, to call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. I've known sheep that could outwit you, but you think you're an intellectual don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes, they do Otto, they just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things here. Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not 'every man for himself,' and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up. Now, you have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich. What are you going to do about it huh? What would an intellectual do? What would Plato do?
Otto: Don't call me stupid.
Wendy Leach (Maria Aitken): Why on earth not?
Otto: Oh you English are so superior aren't you? Well would you like to know where you would be without us, the old U.S. of A to protect you? The smallest fucking province in the Russian empire. So don't call me stupid lady.
Wendy: Well thank you for popping in protecting us.
Otto: (as he leaves) Without us, you'd all be speaking German!
Kudos and much thanks go to Missy for this monologue (and the included short scene), it is very much appreciated.