Some Like It Hot
written by I.A.L. Diamond & Billy Wilder
Sugar Kane: Yeah, you better keep a look out. I'm not very bright I guess. No, just dumb, if I had any brains I wouldn't be on this crummy train with this crummy girls band. I used to sing with male bands but I can't afford it anymore, have you ever been with a male band? That's what I'm running away from. I've been with six different ones in the last two years -- oh brother!
Joe/Josephine: Rough?
Sugar: I'll say...I can't trust myself. I have this thing about saxophone players ...especially tenor sax. I don't what it is but they just curdle me, all they have to do is play eight bars of "Come To Me, My Melancholy Baby" and my spine turns to custard, I get goose pimply all over and I come to them. Every time.
(Joe plays the tenor sax. He looks even more uncomfortable)
Josephine/Joe (falsetto): You know, I play the tenor sax.
Sugar: (giggling) But you're a girl thank goodness. That's why I joined this band: Safety first. Anything to get away from those bums. You don't know what they're like! You fall for 'em. You really love 'em, you think "This is going to be the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin." The next thing you know, they're borrowing money from you, they're spending it on other dames, and betting on horses. Then one morning, you wake up -- the guy's gone, the saxophone's gone. All that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste all squeezed out. So you pull yourself together, you go on to the next job, the next saxophone player...it's the same thing all over again! See what I mean not very bright...I can tell you one thing, it's not going to happen to me again. Ever. I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!
Kudos and much thanks go to Mikko for the donation of this monologue, it is very much appreciated.