Planes, Trains, & Automobiles
written by John Hughes
In this monologue, Neal's venomous rage towards his companion has no limits; he is really furious and doesn't care how hurtful he's being. Throughout, Del looks like someone has punched him in the stomach, he's seething, but you can see the hurt of his face really well. Great performances by John Candy and Steve Martin here in this dark comedy.
Del: God, you're an ungrateful jackass. Well, go ahead, sleep in the lobby, see if I care! I hope you wait up so stiff you can't even move!
Neal: You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room--and someone'll listen to your boring stories! Didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like maybe this guy is not enjoying it? Y'know, not everything is an anecdote, you have to discriminate! You choose things are funny or mildly amusing! You're a miracle! Your stories have none of that! They're not even amusing accidentally! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecdotes for ya! And, oh, here's a gun so you can blow your brains out, you'll thank me for it! I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there, and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face! And they'd say, how can you stand it? And I'd say, because I've been with Del Griffith, I can take anything! Y'know what they'd say, they'd say, "I know what you mean, shower curtain ring guy...whoa!" It's like going on a date with a Chatty-Kathy doll. I expect you to have a string on your chest that you pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would! (imitating) Dyah dyah dyah dyah! And, you know, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
(Long pause. Neal sighs, curses quietly and continues to pack his stuff from the motel room. Del, visibly hurt by this tirade, starts slowly.)
Del: You want to hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right: I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold, hard cynic like you. But I don't like to hurt people's feelings. You think what you want about me, I'm not changing. I...I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. Because I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
(Neal feels like scum now, and his regret over what he just said shows clearly.)