Phobophilia
written/donated by Todd Gutenberg
Let me put all this in layman's terms. I’ve gone through three hours of tests and exams and the basic answer you’ve come up with is that I’m a hypochondriac. Meaning, whenever I hear of a new phobia, I get it. What I want to say is that I’m frustrated and angry on three levels: first is that you think you’re right, second is you think you’re the first one to come up with this hypothesis, and third is you put yourself above me and classify me to make yourself feel better. You think that I’m a hypochondriac and any fear I hear of, I get. I’m telling you that I’m not a hypochondriac, and I fear so much because that’s me.
Do you want to know what I’m afraid of? Of course you do. How ‘bout in alphabetical order? Let’s see, I’m Aichmophobic, fear of needles, so I take medication orally. Algophobic, fear of pain, so I’m jumpier than a cat. I’m Basophobic, fear of walking and falling, so I travel by wheelchair. I’m Carcinophobic, fear of cancer, but then again, who isn’t? I’m Claustrophobic, fear of confined spaces, but this custom made apartment seems to fix that. I’m Climacophobic, fear of falling downstairs, so this place is as flat as a pancake. I’m Leprophobic, fear of leprosy, but again, who isn’t? I’m Misphobic, fear of contamination by germs, so this place has more air filters than a silicon laboratory. I’m Ochophobic, fear of vehicles, so I’ve never been in one. I’m Ophthalmophobic, fear of being stared at, so I only talk to two people at a time through this computer. Some people say, I’m soteriophobic, fear of dependence on others, but being locked in this apartment, I’ve no other choice, have I? I’m Thanatophobic, fear of dying, but so is every adult. And finally, I’m topophobic, fear of stage fright, so you know I’ve rehearsed this.
I’m Agoraphobic, fear of open, crowded places or leaving my apartment, so I’m terrified of going outside; while at the same time I’m Autophobic, fear of being alone, so I’m terrified of the opportunities I’m missing out there. And don’t think that because I’m always alone that I don’t have dementophobia, fear of insanity, which I can’t do anything about. You are now thinking I’m panophobic, fear of everything, but I’m really polyphobic, fear of several things.
Now because I’m agoraphobic, which is afraid of being outside, I haven’t been out in eight years. I’ve been in this apartment completely alone and have two umbilicals, my food line which is delivered once a week, care of the second umbilical, the Internet, which is the only proof of my existence.
So far, that’s eighteen fears that I listed, but don’t worry there’s a dozen or so more. Now, I’ve wasted three hours of my sorry life in your testing to not only show something I’ve already heard, but something that isn’t even right. I’m not a hypochondriac; I really do have these fears. You say I have them because I want problems in my life: I want attention, sympathy, or whatever to just get these problems to have them. I’m telling you that I really do have these fears because I have what’s called Phobophilia, which is the love of fear. I love it. I not only love it, I crave it and I need it and I want it so badly I can’t get enough. If you’re saying that I want attention, I’m asking you: who’s attention? No one has been in my apartment for eight years, so I’m not getting anyone’s attention but my own. So to answer your question of why I fear, I fear because I have phobophilia, a love for fear.