Meet the Parents
written by Jim Herzfeld & John Hamburg
from the (short film) screenplay and story by Greg Glienna & Mary Ruth Clarke

Flight Attendant (Kali Rocha): I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg "Gaylord" Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg: No, no, I'm not--hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: Okay, There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No.
Greg: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION!
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we --
Greg: Okay, you know what...just take your scrubby little paws off my bag, okay? It's not like I got a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane! I just want to stow my bag according to your safety regulations. Hey...hey, if you would just take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings. And all I have to do is do what I want to do and all I want to do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you. And the only way I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and try to pry it from my dead lifeless fingers. If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
(She gasps)
(We next see Greg being violently dragged from the terminal)

Kudos and much thanks go to Laura for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.