Joe vs. the Volcano
written by John Patrick Shanley
Joe: I should say something. This life... "life," what a joke. This situation, this room. You look terrible, Mr. Waturi. You look like a bag of shit stuffed in a cheap suit. Not that anybody could look under these zombie lights. I can feel them sucking the juice out of my eyeballs, suck suck suck suck. 300 bucks a week. That's the news. For three hundred bucks a week, I've lived in this sink, this used rubber.
Mr. Waturi (Dan Hedaya): Watch it, Mister, there's a woman here!
Joe: Don't you think I know that, Frank? Don't you think I am aware there is a woman here? I can smell her, like a flower, I can taste her like sugar on my tongue. When I'm twenty feet away, I can hear the fabric of her dress when she moves in her chair. Not that I've done anything about it; I've gone all day -- every day, not doing, not saying, not taking the chance for three hundred dollars a week. And Frank! The coffee! It stinks! It tastes like arsenic. These lights give me a headache, if they don’t give you a headache, you must be dead. So let's arrange the funeral. Why, I ask myself, why have I put up with you, I can't imagine. But I know it's fear, yellow freaking fear, I’ve been too chickenshit afraid to live my life so I sold it to you for three hundred freaking dollars a week. You're lucky I don't kill you. You're lucky I don't rip your freaking throat out. But I'm not going to. And maybe you're not so lucky at that. Because I'm going to leave you here, Mr. Wahoo Waturi. And what could be worse than that?! (pause, now addressing the secretary (Meg Ryan, in one of her three roles)) Deedee, how about dinner tonight?
Kudos and much thanks go to Arthur for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.