Housesitter
written by Mark Stein
(Davis enters his house, which he believed empty, to find it fully furnished with a blonde in the kitchen.)
Davis: Hello?
Gwen:What are you doing here?
Davis: What am I doing? What are you doing here?
Gwen: (after long pause) Well, well, I got kicked out of my apartment, I had no place to go. I would've called you right away, except, you know, you just never told me where you lived or where your office was, even.
Davis: You're the waitress! Gwen.
Gwen: Well, excuse me, but I thought we'd been introduced.
Davis: No, I recognize you, it's just, you know, you were wearing that Hungarian garb.
Gwen: Yeah, well, I had to get out of that place, you know, because Karol and I had a real difference of opinion of exactly when he could come to my apartment unannounced, and exactly where he could put his hands while he was there.
Davis: Didn't you have any friends you could go to?
Gwen: I told you I'd only been in Boston for three weeks, I didn't know anybody. All I had was that cute little drawing you made of this house, you know--I knew it was in Dobbs Mill, and I knew that, you know, it was just sitting here, not doing anything.
Davis: Where did all this furniture come from?
Gwen: Bigelow's.
Davis: No, I mean how did it get here? Some sort of furniture stampede?
Gwen: I'll pay you back.
Davis: Pay me back?
(They are interrupted by a dog)
Gwen: (to the dog) Oh, Booboo, no honey. The men are coming tomorrow to put in the dog door.
Davis: What is happening?
Gwen: Well, if you just listened...
Davis: I'm listening, I'm listening!!
Gwen: All right. I was hungry, okay? So I went to Keller's market to just pick up some peanut butter and stuff, and that's where I overheard Hazel telling Travis...
Davis: (interupted) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa… Hazel?
Gwen: Hazel Byron.
Davis: You know Mrs. Byron?!
Gwen: Yeah, your piano teacher, great gal. I don't know if you heard about her son, Stewie, but oh, what he put that poor woman through!
Davis: Wait a minute. Go back to the part at the grocery store where Mrs. Byron says to Mr. Keller...
Gwen: Okay. So, she told him to just put it on her account.
Davis: You charged the groceries to me!?
Gwen: Well, I was hungry. Now c'mon, you gotta understand that.
Davis: What'd you tell him, how'd you get him to do it?
Gwen: Well, I guess he was under the impression that I was --
Davis: (interupting) Insane!?
Gwen: Mm, no, I just told him to go ahead and put it on our account.
Davis: Our account?
Gwen: Well, it seemed harmless.
Davis: You told him you were my wife?!
Gwen: Well, what was I supposed to do? You tell me.
Davis: And he believed you?!
Gwen: And why wouldn't he?
Davis: (splutters) Well...
Gwen: What's the matter, I'm not good enough to be your wife?
Davis: (as if he hadn't meant it that way) Nnnoo….
Gwen: Well, Travis thinks I'm good enough. And Harvey and Lorraine think I'm good enough.
Davis: This coffee table.
Gwen: What about it?
Davis: It's my mother's.
Gwen: I know, it's not my taste either, but all of this represents a compromise. You know your mother!
Davis: My parents think we're married??!
(He puts his feet on the table)
Gwen: Hey, it's not so bad! C'mon, everything's gonna be fine! Would you mind taking your feet off the furniture?
Kudos and much thanks go to Anniina for this scene, it is very much appreciated.