A Bit of Fry and Laurie
monologues by Stephen Fry
Stephen Fry is best known in America as Natalie Portman's friend from V For Vendetta or as the voice of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But in Britain he is known for his extensive work with Hugh "Dr. House" Laurie in the TV Series', Blackadder, Jeeves and Wooster and their original two-man sketch comedy series, A Bit of Fry and Laurie by and with Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.
1.
I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player, who pointed out how lovely I was. Until that time, I think it was safe to say that I'd never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. But his words smote me, because, of course, you see, I am lovely, in a fluffy, moist kind of a way. I walk, let's be splendid about this, in a lightly-scented cloud of gorgeousness that isn't a far shot from being quite simply terrific. The secret to smooth, almost shiny loveliness, of the order which we are discussing in this simple, frank, creamy-soft way doesn't reside in oils, unduants, balms, ointments, astringments, creams, milks, moisturizers, linaments, lubricants, embracants or bolsoms, to be simply divine for just one noble moment; it resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way, in one's attitude of mind. To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is to believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and then with mounting heat and passion because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I'm so often told it. That's the secret really.
2.
Hello, I'd just like to tell you about this cigarette case. It used to belong to my grandfather on my parents' side. He was given it by his godneice as a kind of "loss of virginity" present, really. He took it with him to Flanders in 1912 when he went there on holiday...then he took it again in 1915 when he went to fight in the War. Now, what grandfather used to do is he would keep cigarettes in it, like this, and if he wanted one he would simply take it out, smoke it, and close the case again. He used to keep his cigarette case here in the breast pocket of field tunic or "battle blouse." Now, one day, Grandfather had to go over the top, out of the trenches, into action...and he was shot by a German sniper clear through the temple. Now if Grandfather had worn his cigarette case here (holds case to temple) it would have an unpleasant dent in it and I'd be alive today.
3.
I don't think anyone here can fail to be alarmed by what's happening to our young people. I'm thinking here of crime of drug addition of easy sex of all the vices that can destroy a young person's life. And I believe that we must look to the schools to tackle these problems. Schools must help young people to develop a sense of decent civilized behavior. Because everyone must surely agree that decent, civilized behavior is every bit as important as being able to subtract or…or take away. Basically, the plain and simple purpose of education must be to teach children, young people not, I repeat not, to break into my car! There will be other aspects of education, I'm sure. But the most fundamental principle of decent civilized behavior is don't break into my car! Of course, I am concerned that young people shouldn't break into other people's cars too. But I thinkj that's more of an ethical question and not really the province of government. The most important thing is that they don't...break in...to my car! And of course we must look to the courts to sanction this principle. Community service, such a favorite with magistarates in recent years, shouldn't be a matter of simply scrubbing graffiti off of a few lavatory walls, young offenders must expect a short sharp lesson in replacing the near side window of my car! Because leaving my bloody car alone is what this government means by decent, civilzed behavior. Thank you.
Credit and many thanks to T. Moss for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.