Dogma
written by Kevin Smith
Bethany: My first year in college. All through high school, I'd dated the same guy - Walter Flanigan. We were really in love, right? So much so that we decided to go to Carnegie Mellon together...that's this college in Pittsburgh. So there we are - away at school, and there's suddenly no parents to worry about anymore. so we're screwing like rabbits - just constantly doing it. And I wound up getting pregnant. So he begs me to have it. He says we should quit school and get married, and I'm telling him that we'll screw up our educations. We fought for about a week - my argument being there was no rush to have kids, you know? We could always have a baby in a couple of years - after school. So I got the abortion against his wishes . . . I mean, what the hell - it was my body, right? After graduation we got married and immediately set about trying to have kids. We tried like hell for the first 6 months, and - nothing. So I went to a gynecologist to see it everything was okay on my end. (pause) It wasn't. My uteran wall had this fissure. It seems that the doctor who performed the procedure on me years before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able to have a child. (takes a breath)
So there I am - devastated. And now I have to go home to break the news to my husband who years before had begged me to have the baby - his baby. And after I explain it to him through my tears, he sits on the couch and rubs his eyes. And in the calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybody use in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I fought him, you know? I tried to talk him out of it, told him there were alternatives, like we could adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife who could have HIS children. (pause) He remarried. He had two kids in two years with his new wife. We never spoke again. And now I do this. I dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really into comic books. He told me I had the stock superhero story - I wanted to prevent a wrong that had happened to me from happening to anyone else. Kind of like Batman, he said. The only difference is I don't put on tights to do it...unless all my other clothes are in the wash...so...let's go over your paperwork.
Kudos and much thanks go to Annie for bringing this monologue to my attention; much appreciated.
Attention Kevin Smith fans: Walter Flanagan, friend to Kevin Smith and View Askew Productions, has appeared in every single film Smith has made, and in all but Clerks, he plays the same character, "Walt Grover, the Fanboy." And for whatever reason, Kevin Smith used a variation on his friend's name for THIS unseen character in this unused scene in "Dogma." His one scene in "Chasing Amy" was deleted, but you can see it on the DVD. And of course, a "cousin Walter," known for his infamous sexual practices, is referred to in both "Clerks" and "Mallrats" -- I have to assume Kevin Smith used the name Walter on purpose. Conclusion: Kevin Smith is one weird guy.