Dave
written by Gary Ross
[In the press room of the White House]
Dave/President Mitchell: Thanks for coming on such short notice. I'd like to begin with an announcement that may come as a surprise to many of you, I've asked Bob Alexander to resign as White House Chief of Staff. Over the last few months Bob and I have come to believe in different things. He thinks this country is fine and we should go about doing business as usual. I just don't feel that way, not anymore. 'Cause, hey, things aren't fine. We've got so many problems that we don't even want to look at them anymore. They just blend together into this great big noise and pretty soon we can't even hear ourselves think. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that we feel like we can't do anything about it - and that's a tragedy. Because we can. We don't know where to start maybe, maybe that's what it is, but I have an idea of where we can start. From today, I'm going to make it the responsibility of this government to find a job for every American that wants one.
If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And its not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you stand up and decide to try.
That's it, so, lets get to work.
(A joint session of Congress)
Dave/President Mitchell: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans... I wish I could be here today under different circumstances. There certainly are a lot of things about this country that we should be discussing, but I realize that's not possible now. As all of you know, my former Chief of Staff has implicated me in a scandal involving First Liberty Savings and Loan, and once people start talking about a scandal its hard to talk about anything else. So fine, let's talk about it. Bob Alexander has accused me of - let me read this to make sure I get it right: "Illegally influencing government regulators on behalf of major campaign contributors, interfering with an ongoing justice department investigation, and violating federal election laws in the area of campaign finance." Okay, let's get right to the guts of it: each one of these charges is absolutely true.
I'm the president and as they say the buck stops here, so I take full responsibility for every one of my illegal actions. But, you see, that's not the whole story, and I think each one of you here is entitled to the whole truth.
I have here written proof, in the forms of notes and Miranda and personal directives, proving that Bob Alexander was also involved in each one of these incidences and in most cases planned them as well.
Now, allegation of wrongdoing have also been made against Vice-president Nance. Now as this evidence will prove at no time and in no way was the Vice-president involved in and of these affairs. Bob just made all that up. Vice-president Nance is a good and decent public servant, and I'd like to apologize for any pain this might have cause him or his family.
(They shake hands) And while we're on the subject, I'd like to apologize to the American people. You see, I forgot that I was hired to do a job for you, and that was just a temp job at that. I forgot that I had 250 million people who were paying me to make their lives a little but better, and I didn't live up to my part of the bargain.
You see, I think there are certain things you should expect from your President. I outta care more about you than I do about me. I outta care about more about... I outta care more about what's right than I do about what's popular. I outta be willing to give this whole thing up for something I believe in. Because if I'm not... if I'm not...(staggers, holds his head) if I'm not.... if I'm not than maybe I don't belong here in the first place.... (he falls to the floor)
Kudos and much thanks go to Lisa for sending a small but vital correction to this monologue, it is very much appreciated.