Can't Hardly Wait
written by Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont
William: Mike Dexter is an asshole. For the past decade he has made a hobby of my pain. Witness exhibit A: My 8th grade science project. A working rain forest that Mike threw out of a third floor window. It rains here no more. Witness exhibit B: An eyepatch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home EC. My parents took me to a 3D film festival. I saw no third dimension. And of course, how could I forget the pudding incident? (holds up jeans with a huge brown spot) I know no one else has. Well, gentlemen, tonight Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight, Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night that we fight back. Tonight is our independence night.
Kudos and much thanks go to Kelley for the donation of this monologue, it is very much appreciated. Thanks to Gary for a correction.