30 Rock
from the TV series created by Tina Fey
In this monologue, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) is attempting to make it up to Floyd (Jason Sudekis) after revealing that she lied about being an alcoholic simply so she could get close to him by going to AA meetings together. Liz goes to his office and tries to fix her mistake.Liz Lemon: Hi. Um, I’m really sorry about what I did and I know that you can’t forgive me, but…just to even things out, here is all of my weird secret stuff: I have been sexually rejected by – not one – but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because, when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like…never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once, in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks All-You-Can-Eat buffet, and I didn’t leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple of nights ago, I went on a date with my cousin. .... Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that, in the next election, that I will tell all of my friends that I am voting for Barack Obama, but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Oh, here’s one: When I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne class and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I…lied. I have had five doughnuts today. So uh, that’s my deal. Now we’re even.
Liz Lemon: [reading from a prepared statement] Wassup?! ... I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group of people who made America the great...continent that it is today. These kickass people have given the world countless bodacious things like the Birther movement, intelligent design... water parks... [stops reading] no, I will not endorse water parks.They are a cesspool of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given the world? Girls Gone Wild. The Golden Globes, cans that tell you how cold beer is, Florida, Bratz dolls. No, listen to me. Because of you, there may be an Entourage movie. You know what, I give up. You should know better, but no. You're just gonna keep on riding motorcycles, having unprotected sex, and voting against free health care. You will make the same self-destructive decisions over and over and you will never really be happy. And your jaw will hurt all the time.
Kudos and many thanks to Caitlin for the first of these two monologues, it is very much appreciated.